Hi everyone,
Thanks for opening this e-mail. We’re living in what feels more and more like a very undisguised dystopia. I don’t really know what else to say about that here.
I’ve been writing ‘poems’ lately and posting them on social media. I’m going to start sending what I write to you every Friday.
Also, today is May 1st — it’s a good day to support all the musicians and artists whose work you care about. Bandcamp is waiving their portion of any revenues today, so buy albums if you’re so inclined. You can listen to or purchase my recent albums here.
Alright thanks for reading all this, poems are below!
Hear me out
Edward Snowden has a clone hear me out
Working for the government hear me out
the CIA or Space Force That’s who I work for
hear me out I have spread the coronavirus
hear me out for the NSA or the government
I have told the world my story hear me out
become insta-famous hear me out
and testified for the FBI or OSS nobody thought I’d succeed
hear me out but I did
hear me out and I did it all by myself
hear me out with super-vitamins
hear me out
the FDA doesn’t want you to know hear me out
that you can be a god for cheap hear me out
the first month is free hear me out
prices have been slashed link in bio
———
Trust Me!
Well I just told him or her to Commes des Fuckdown
and they LAAAAUUUGGGHHEEDD. Trust me!
For the price of 0.14 Bitcoin
and the time it takes you to transfer it to my account
I will bingewatch an entire season
on Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Sling, Philo, or YouTubeTV
of Lordesses of Love with you and one guest.
Zoom me. Trust me!!
Time has a speed-quality setting
I know how to use to my spiritual-financial advantage.
Commes des Fuckdown, HaHaHaHa!
Trust me! Relief is on the way!!
News anchor voice: *Going viral will make the difference,
please subscribe and comment below
leave a 5-star review with my platforms
and Commes des Fuckdown! HaHaHa!*
Trust me! I don’t have the credentials
but I have the evidentials. What they did is obvious
and frankly, it’s disgusting what they did,
and we’re making tremendous progress on that
but we’re still $2450 short of today’s goal
and every contribution makes a huge difference.
If they are in the door they’ve already
bought it and gotten the upgrade, new Law. Learn it!
Frankly, I just tell them if they haven’t improved themselves
by the end of the week, it’s fucking curtains (throat-slitting motion)
Trust me! Keep calm and have a cuppa.
The numbers are going to go way, way up.
———
Fast Cash Now!
future: rejected
lawful: arrested
daily: ingested
(doctor: suggested)
expert: attested
death: projected
morgue: congested
bleach: injected
terror: domestic
unreal: accepted
debts: collected
real: neglected
friendship: augmented
supplies: intercepted
sickbed: fetid
sorrow: expected
corpse: rested
prosperity: crested
reality: invented
———
Achtung!
My wife and I have big news:
WE’RE HIRING A BABY!
Massappeal Starvation Welsh
is due to arrive via Amazong Primal
on May 1st!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Jobcreator pills
we have been able to overcome
our spirituo-financial infertility,
and the e-book is called Unbarren:
How To Fuck For Less Than A Buck!
If it Gets Big that’s all you need to know,
it must be Real and Good!
Sideeffects may include gnashing of teeth,
crying, killing, dying, gasping for breath,
atomization, alienation, bloody diarrhea,
and permanent eyelid inversion.
We have the truth! We love making love because
it feels so Great! Sex is so Real!
You Can Pass On (If You Want It)!
The adverto-health strategy is obvious:
let your cash do the humping for you!
———
Pornowonder
Calm down and take your simvastatin.
Take your Zestril. Take your azithromycin.
Relax!! Take your amlodipine.
Sure, side effects may include blah blah. Shut the fuck up!
The metphormin will cancel those out anyway.
Calm down, take your hydrochlorothiazide.
Losartan will get rid of it. It’s psychosomatic!
Zolvit will solve it.
Just take one of the amlodipines, take a breath!
Unithroid is one of the safest drugs there is!
Just read the About Us section of the
GlaxoSmithKline website, it’ll calm your nerves.
It might end up needing a prostatectomy,
or it could be a Inguinal hernia repair. It’s fine! 27% mortality!
You should get a Ruger LCP, or a Sig Sauer P938.
Don’t fire them for at least a week after your cholecystectomy.
The nitrazepam will steady your shot, just don’t mix it
with your Zimovane or your Vallergan Forte. It’s strong stuff.
Grandpa took two dexmedetomidine every day
and he lived to 103,
all he needed was grit, gumption, an endeotracheal tube,
a Salem Sump catheter, and a daily nutrient enema!
Get a Kel-Tec PMR-30 to keep the family safe,
and take your dexmedetomidine.